I H2 YOU

Hummer has a line of fragrances now. Way to go, America's industrial military complex! Please fuck off and leave us civilians to shop in peace. Retail therapy is (apparently) all we have left.

Crikey You're Awesome!

Steve Irwin meets Lukas Rossi*


Steve: (thinks to self on first seeing Lukas) - Check out the markings on this one...

Lukas: (thinks to self on first seeing Steve) - What the FUCK is he wearing?

Steve: Nice gloves mate. They'd be reeeaal good for catchin' crocs, eh!

Lukas: Dude, awesome, I guess.

(examines black nailpolish)

Steve: Yeah, you could just grab em by the nose and.. wait, you're that guy from the telly. Rockstar INXS. Mate, that's COOL!

(plays air guitar, grins)

Lukas: Um, it's Supernova. Oh, dude, sorry to hear you were eaten by a stingray. Way to fuckin' work a crowd.

(applies eyeliner)

Steve: Well, to be fair dinkum mate, it was pretty bloody stupid. And it didn't eat me mate, it stung me. Stingrays use their poison-coated barb to fend off DANGEROUS predators like sharks. Anyway, now me family's up shit-creek and I'm dead. What's that? You wearin' makeup? You a bloody sheila or somethin'?

(laughs, and slaps Lukas hard on the back)

Lukas: Jesus Fucking Christ, I'm an artist, a performer.. It's what they expect from me.

(lights two cigarettes, chooses one, throws the other away, sighs, blows ace of spade-shaped smoke rings)

You know what that's like? These days, no-one notices you unless you have a gimmick. You end up becoming something you know you're not. Fuck. Before you know it, you forget who you really were in the first place.

(thinks of high school science class, becomes increasingly agitated, begins to pick off black nailpolish)

Steve: Come here, little guy. You look like you need a bloody hug from the Croc Hunter!

(they embrace, Steve pulls away first)

Lukas: Steve, thanks man. I feel better. You know, dude, in your own way, you're kinda fuckin' awesome.

Steve: Yeah mate, but Crikey I'm dangerous!

(They laugh together, and part ways.)

** optional ending **

Lukas: (to himself, walking away, scowling, flicking cigarette) Fuckin' freak.

Steve: (to himself, walking away laughing) Bloody poofter!




* RockStar website says that Lukas has been described as somewhere between Jeff Buckley and Freddie Mercury. So wait, doesn't that make him, um, dead? So, if the internet is correct, and if God really does manage Heaven, then this conversation has probably already happened.

Really High

This is what Mount Everest looked like this morning at 7am this morning.