Love is a Camry

The Toyota Camry is the world's most popular medium-sized car. During the heady late '80s, Toyota's Japanese automotive engineers produced some of the the finest Camrys ever built. By '93, most consider that the dream* was already dead, along with other impossibilities such as virtual reality and the environment.


Here's a smart example of an '90 LE, in gun-metal grey or dark ebony. It's hard to tell which. Anyway, look at the way it sits on the tarmac, ready for action. If you've ever seen a panther or a dingo waiting to pounce on a deer fawn, you'll immediately recognise this stance as dangerous and real.


And here, above, on the mean streets of Phnom Penh, we see an '88 GX in Arctic White effortlessly cruise by the abandoned, broken-down shell of Asteroid Silver '95 GLX.


And here, in Kompong Trach, Cambodia, a trio of '89 Arctic Whites on patrol. Note the '91 GL in Ivory, keeping watch to the south. Thank goodness for four-wheel independent suspension. And those headlights - they're like tiny versions of the sun.

I'm sure some may take issue with my views on Camry's popularity. I'd happily fight you, but after reading this next bit, it won't be necessary. I mean, if the sticker on the rear windscreen saying 'World's Most Popular Medium-sized Car' isn't enough, then THIS will silence the harshest of critics. She was, simply, the greatest car the world had ever seen.



As the sun set on the 80s, automotive innocence was lost, replaced by optional CD decks, cruise control and a sportier body styling. Like us, the Camry could never go back to its youth. Times changed. The world is a different place now. But know this. The 'golden age' Camrys didn't just disappear altogether. To this day, along every dusty Cambodian street and potholed highway, something is happening. Something involving a late 80s camry, and up to 14 people, packed like sardines, cursing like fishermen. The late 80s Camrys were given their freedom from the free world, and shipped out across the oceans to spread their love to new frontiers. The late 80s Cambodian Camry is a survivor, given a new lease of life in a country of survivors. Like day and night, or a couple who finish each other's sentences, Cambodia and its late 80s Camrys are inseparable, completing each other.



Love is a Camry, '89, Arctic White.


* Oh, and if in the near future you see in your local Cambodian souvenir shop a snowdome with a 'Camrybodia' motif and a tiny diorama of an '89 Midnight Blue GLX on a palm-lined road winding through rice paddies, complete with red dust when shaken, then you'll know my dreams have come true.

Hot Photograph of Sonic Youth Found Online

Whoever took this photo, we salute you.

Untitled

On Equality...

A diligent Cambodian school teacher is pretty lucky if they even receive their monthly salary of US$15.

So can someone please explain how somebody can be fired for doing a shit job, and still manage to take home TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in severance pay?



Sorry. What I meant to say was HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Christmas Story

Merry Christmas


Sorry, my mistake. I meant Merry Christmas!





The True Meaning of Christmas

Last Christmas, Johnny Trouble got an AC/DC t-shirt. Back in Black. He wore it Christmas day. Soon after, he decided it was too black. So, for all of 2006 it has hung tied to his balcony rail, weathering away in the elements. It stayed there all through the dust of the dry season, and all through the rainy season. Birds have crapped on it. Spiders have made their homes in it. Lightning struck it more than once, maybe even thunder. But it's getting ridiculous. Johnny, one year is up, and it's Christmas again.

IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS YOU'LL WASH THE BACK IN BLACK T-SHIRT AND WEAR IT.

Heng Pov Update

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.









HENG POV is back in Cambodia. Let the fun and games begin... for HENG POV!

Alcor People

If you are bored, and seek to understand the world, spend 3 minutes on the ALCOR site They deal in cryonics, and run out of of Arizona. It's enlightening. I learned that death isn't an event, but a process. I learned that a frozen brain is called a 'neuropatient'. I learned that the consenting dead are referred to as 'Alcor members'. And I learned that the people at Alcor are as creepy as hell.


Check out the pic of Dr. Mike Perry, making some very important notes next to the bottle of frozen nitrogen. Note the ease at which he interacts with his technology (including the floppy disk drive). Anyway, Perry's main job is to maintain the deep cold phase of patient care. That's the bit where after you die, they cut out your brain and freeze it. This is where Perry really shines. No-one cares for removed dead brains like Perry. He is also a leader in the Venturism movement, which I just learned is a religion based on the ellimination of death. He authored the feelgood classics Toward Self-Optimization of Machine Intelligence and Forever for All: Moral Philsophy, Cryonics and the Scientific Prospects for Immortality.

And after all this, Time Magazine still doesn't give him Person of the Year? For the love of God...

On the 12th Day of Christmas...

Christmas gift ideas from Pencil Supermarket, Phnom Penh....


Trojan Super Alertness: If it's good enough for the UN...


Telephone Mythological: Because it only costs three and a half bucks.


Hamburger Skateboard: Because it is THE GREATEST TOY OF ALL TIME. Seriously.


Centipede King: Only if you can find the Special Style - Regular Style is shithouse.


Duck Lay An Egg: Um, because it lays an egg... like a duck!


Benign Girl: Because any other toy girl would be way too malignant.

Gamer's Corner

Here at EMC, we get sent all kinds of stuff for review. Every day at the office, we're met by a mountain of digital cameras, skin creams, marital aids and extreme sports equipment. These days though, what with the EMC Foundation to run, and the endless appearances at all those goddamn blog ceremonies, we don't get much time to check out what the kids are into. But, given that christmas is only 395 days away, we thought we'd take time out. After all, christmas is a time of giving. So, we give you this, a review of Laden vs USA, the game.

Our friends at Phnom Penh's Orrussey Market sent us our Laden vs USA handheld arcade game in a neat, polyethylene shrink pack. It's pretty much the standard toy-containing device we're all used to. However, the cardboard insert did contain eye-catching, lifelike photographs of heroic firemen cradling burned babies, and what appeared to be a collapsed building. There was even a picture of a guy wearing a suit, but he was covered in a fine dust! Anyway, at first glance, it was all very realistic. Oh, and still attached was the 10000 riel price tag (that's US$2.5).

Open it up, and it instantly feels good in your hand. Not too heavy, if you know what I mean. A modern, grey and dark grey LCD (thats liquid crystal display) is the heart of the experience, and if you look at the picture, you'll see that the LCD features the lifelike rendering of a plane hitting a tall building. To play, you aim a little space invader-style rocket launcher at aeroplanes which continue to launch themselves into the tall buildings. You keep knocking ' em down, and rackin' up the points. NOW YOU"RE PLAYING WITH POWER! When enough planes hit the tall building, you're out. It ain't easy, I'll say that much. I scored about 15 on my first round. One word: really fucking fun. It's a simple enough idea, unlike that game where you have to control Mickey Mouse as he collects eggs from FOUR different chicken cages in one basket. I never did understand why my aunty once brought us that rather than Donkey Kong II.

Anyway, while the controls were a little flimsy, they seemed to stand up to my rigorous 30 second test. The sound may be conveniently switched off, should you wish to go a round whilst sitting at the UN general assembly, or other such important event. However, I'd suggest you leave it on, because the sound of the plane hitting the tower is total digital magic! It sounds a bit like a distorted version of KKKKKRRRRRRSSSSHSHHHHHKKKK! Other features include a reset button, which presumably allows you to restore world order momentarily.

My only complaints are these. Firstly, I fucking hate yellow, and the game's main buttons are yellow. Secondly, while the controls and presentation are quite realistic, the concept itself just seems a little dumb... a little underdeveloped, or thin, if you will. I mean, why would you need to aim a space-invader style rocket launcher in the sky to stop passenger liners from hitting a building? It just seems implausible to me that anyone would believe in anything so strongly as to go to the effort of learning how to fly a plane, and then hijacking a plane loaded with innocents, and then crashing said plane into a tall building. For what? I mean, even if there was something to be gained from such a stupid stunt, you'd be too dead to enjoy it anyway, right? As I said, only small complaints. Overall, good, clean fun and bound to be a sleeper stocking stuffer hit this religious holiday. 8.5/10.

Politics

Friday Caption Competition #2

After the overwhelming success of our first Friday Caption Competition, we'd have to be crazy idiots not to do it again. So here it is - this time it's dodgy sexpat action from Rabbit Island, Cambodia. First prize is a week-long vacation at Rabbit Island, Cambodia. Second prize is two weeks at Rabbit Island, Cambodia.

Well, don't just stand there (like, say, a hapless smuggled Vietnamese child prostitute) - leave yr entries in the comments box...

Fuck Evel Knievel...

You wanted it, so you're gonna bloody get it...
AUSTRALIAN MOTORBIKE JUMPING LEGENDS!!

#1, Dale Buggins

By 17, Dale Buggins was breaking Evel Knievel's world records. By 20 he was dead. By 25, I refer to the number of cars he would jump on his Yamaha. This kid had spunk, and by spunk, I don't mean semen, I mean get up and go! Although, I'm pretty sure he had semen too, because he had balls the size of Uranus. Unlike American 'hero' Evel Knievel, Dale Buggins only crashed once. Also, unlike Knievel, he wasn't a drug-addled, nasty dickhead. Buggins was just a kid living for the now. They even made an action figurine/toy stunt bike in his likeness. Sadly, he had his demons too, and one of them talked him into buying a .22 rifle and shooting himself in the chest in his room at the Marco Polo Inn in Melbourne in 1981. He had just returned from a tour of the states. I guess he didn't like it so much. He shares his deathday with Jimi Hendrix.

Too pure for this shitty world, he now jumps free of the shackles of gravity, forever young. Buggins, you rule the school.

#2 The Kangaroo Kid

Happily, the Kangaroo Kid din't blow a hole in his chest, and lives to jump to this very day. Here he is in action, flying to the moon.

Here he is with his wife.... or daughter.

And again. I'm still not sure if it is his wife or daughter. Either way, he's a lucky guy.

And that's lucky, because luck is what you need when you decide to make a living from jumping motorbikes. Anyway, taking his name from a magical jumping marsupial, the Kangaroo Kid rides a quad. Yes, that's right, the Kangaroo Kid figures two wheels are for pussies. He is best known for such ridiculous four-wheeled stunts as 'jumping the paddlesteamer' and 'jumping a flying plane'. He has been known to sing his favorite song 'I Believe I Can Fly' right before activating his quad systems. Kangaroo Kid, we all believe you can fly.

Stepford Wives II

A castle somewhere in Italy.



CELEBRANT: Mr Tom Cruise, do you accept this woman, this young, fertile woman, as your wife, in the presence of the infinite here today, in the holy sanctity of our church, the Church of Scientology?

TOM: (punches air) I DO! ALRIGHT!

CELEBRANT: Ms Katie Holmes, do you accept this… this guy Tom Cruise as your lawfully wedded husband?

KATIE: (stares blankly) I do

CELEBRANT: Great. And so, to seal these vows, I will now read to the congregation some words from our spiritual leader and Church's founding father, L Ron Hubbard. The following is taken from his 1958 volume "Have You Lived Before This Life".... Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may...

"This takes place nine galaxy periods ago. I was a male, born of space parents. I seem to have two or three mothers who died or were killed. At the age of five I was already on the look-out for brothels. At nine years of age I asked my father if I could join the space academy. However; this does not occur until I am 14. I am 15 when I go with other boys and girls for three months to learn all about sex and homosexuality. When I am 16 I kill my father while fighting on the planet and I join a space-ship. It seems I have a journey here and rejoin the ship when I am 19. Then I learn all about space ship drill, take-offs, etc. There is homosexuality, as only officers are allowed women. I did not care for homosexuality and soon gained the title of captain and so was able to have a wife of my own. She had a baby and a few days later I found the wife enjoying pleasures with another officer. I put her and the officer up for trial and they were condemned and burned (zapped with special ray equipment). I killed the baby because I thought it was not my child. I wanted to go back home so I went to see the captain who was in charge of all the space-craft men and who knew where the ship was going. I asked for the space-ship to be turned around and he said "No." I went mad and killed the captain with my hands and broke up his body. Next I went into the main hall and pressed a button to ring the bell for assembly. I asked for votes for turning back the space-ship for home. Sixty-five per cent. said "Yes." As I was talking to the crew members I felt a gun at the back of my body and I was led off by officers along the corridor. I was screaming and struggling as I did not want to go to the Zap machine (a ray gun to destroy bodies). However, I arrived and my body was held against the wall by clamps, hands were outstretched against the wall. This wall was made of special ray detecting material about a yard to two yards thick. I felt the warmth of the ray until it grew so bad that I left the body. As soon as the head had been burned off, the clamps were automatically opened and the body fell in a trench in the floor, arms outstretched. A large trap door made of metal was slammed on my arms cutting them off. The arms were swept into the trench and the trap door was lifted up again. As it slammed tight again, my body fell into a space container and was thrown outside by tremendous pressure. A space coffin had its own power to fall away from the ship."



[L. Ron Hubbard (ed.), Have You Lived Before This Life?, 1958]

Primitive Souls

Some party somewhere, Phnom Penh, May 2005.

Latest Model

It's true. With Phuong Tien Convenience Raincoat, your dreams really do come true. Like these guys. Before becoming the faces of Convenience Raincoat, they could only dream of the day when they would make it as top fashion models. They would mope around the call centre, practicing blue steel and snorting talc to keep the dream alive. It's funny how a trip to Vietnam can change your life. And I don't mean in a Gary Glitter kind of way. Just look at these kids now! When they're not enjoying a tossed salad in the comfort of their matching Louis Vuitton-outfitted learjets*, they can be found at Kate's place, doing charlie and swapping Jude Law stories, or dating members of Jet.


* they never fly together in case something goes wrong

Water Festival, God etc.

Water Festival!

(Guy in Hun Sen shirt and) Water Festival!

Water Festival!

(House that looks like a computer, and) Water Festival!

Ah, Phnom Penh's Annual Water Festival 2006. 3 million Cambodians walking back and forth for three days in the blazing sun, eating boiled duck eggs and soy-marinated beetles, struggling to catch a glimpse of a couple of tarted-up canoes paddling down a muddy river. Good times.


But for fuck’s sake… Can someone explain why God found it necessary to dump about 10 million printed calendars on the riverside? The calendars featured a tasteful motif of ever-popular ancient magician ‘Jesus Christ’ attempting to escape from the ‘cross of death’, back in 0034. God, with all due respect, are you a fucking idiot? Cambodian people are Buddhist. And now your magical kingdom looks like a fucking rubbish dump. And 3 million pairs of grubby Buddhist feet have trampled and stained the image of your champion forward Jesus H Christ. God, just last week I was thinking of taking the lord Jesus Christ into my heart as my own personal saviour, but now I’m thinking your movement is not in touch with my needs. I'll be voting Buddha next election. Sometimes, God, it’s as if you’re just not thinking...

Miserable?

GREATEST ORGANISATION NAME ever.



I want to be the consultant who comes in to help them write their mission statement.


"OK, firstly, is everyone miserable? No? Should you really be here then? Door's that way. Thanks."

THUD (somebody's arm falls off)

"Someone give that guy a hand, please. Thanks. Oh, and lighten up. You're on a staff retreat! We're here to write the mission statement! It'll be fun! OK, now where were we?"

THUD (other arm falls off)

SILENCE (Centipede crawls out of somebody's eye socket)










The Unbearable Truth Next Door

My neighbour keeps a bear in a cage. The cage is about 2 cubic metres, or put simply, really fucking small. It would be like me living in a phone booth. I really feel for the little guy (the bear, not the neighbour). When the bear gets grumpy, he gets really loud. He usually gets grumpy very early in the morning. This in turn makes me grumpy. I then becomes like a bear in the office. The bear is owned by Chinese business guy Oknha Duong Chhiv, a man who clearly doesn't value sleep, or bears, the way I do.


This is what Cambodia's Prime Minister Hun Sen had to say about him...

"I am glad that we have the presence of Oknha Duong Chhiv, who is the Head of the Chinese Association in Cambodia. We have lots of associations but we have mobilized them to support the one China policy as set out by the Royal Government. Oknha Duong Chhiv should remember what I recommended in the past and today I have decided to confer a medal to you for first to recognize your contribution to the economic construction of Cambodia and second to thank for the implementation of the Royal Government's one-China policy"

This is what I have to say about him...

"If you're so fucking rich and successful, buy a bigger fucking cage for your bear, fucker."

Seal the Entertainer

We have it on good authority that black singing sensation Seal is in Phnom Penh. This quite famous man, (who takes his name from some type of magical ocean-going dog) was spotted lounging by the pool at Pavillion. Seal is a popular performance entertainer who sings about getting crazy. I'm told that he sings powerfully, and from the heart. Seal is also well known for his remarkable sense of style. This handsome man can wear all white, and totally pull it off. I would just NEVER think to match white pants with an unbuttoned white shirt! The performing Seal has also been known to experiment with radical facial hair designs, such as the goatee. This is what he looks like without a goatee.

For those who don't know, Pavillion is where the beautiful people of Phnom Penh play. Beautiful people are the ones who aren't afraid to show off their bodies in bikinis, or over-designed boardshorts, and often sport expensive sunglasses, and perhaps a trashy magazine. A lot of their fashions are based on communist uniforms, or suffer from design-creep. Design creep is a term I use to describe the a tendency of young designers to over-design by attaching unnecesary zips, buttons or graphics. I hope that one day you can Wikipedia this term. Anyway, they may be designers themselves, or perhaps work with street kids. There is sometimes a partial cross-over with the artistic community too. They laugh a lot, either at their own jokes or at the stories of Britney's shit fashions, as contained in the trashy magazines. They tend to be anywhere between 24 and 32 years of age. Some of them also take fancy notebook-style portable computer systems so that they can access the interweb, whilst enjoying passionfruit-based drinks. Life sure is good for these guys! The Fish Quiche is also very popular at Pavillion. (Again, I would never think to do that) There is a rumour that the swimming pool's water is fish-quiche-flavored. Perhaps this explains why Seal chooses to swim there. It doesn't explain what handsome singing sensation Seal would be doing in Cambodia though.