Monday, November 27, 2006

Friday, November 24, 2006

Friday Caption Competition #2

After the overwhelming success of our first Friday Caption Competition, we'd have to be crazy idiots not to do it again. So here it is - this time it's dodgy sexpat action from Rabbit Island, Cambodia. First prize is a week-long vacation at Rabbit Island, Cambodia. Second prize is two weeks at Rabbit Island, Cambodia.

Well, don't just stand there (like, say, a hapless smuggled Vietnamese child prostitute) - leave yr entries in the comments box...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Fuck Evel Knievel...

You wanted it, so you're gonna bloody get it...

#1, Dale Buggins

By 17, Dale Buggins was breaking Evel Knievel's world records. By 20 he was dead. By 25, I refer to the number of cars he would jump on his Yamaha. This kid had spunk, and by spunk, I don't mean semen, I mean get up and go! Although, I'm pretty sure he had semen too, because he had balls the size of Uranus. Unlike American 'hero' Evel Knievel, Dale Buggins only crashed once. Also, unlike Knievel, he wasn't a drug-addled, nasty dickhead. Buggins was just a kid living for the now. They even made an action figurine/toy stunt bike in his likeness. Sadly, he had his demons too, and one of them talked him into buying a .22 rifle and shooting himself in the chest in his room at the Marco Polo Inn in Melbourne in 1981. He had just returned from a tour of the states. I guess he didn't like it so much. He shares his deathday with Jimi Hendrix.

Too pure for this shitty world, he now jumps free of the shackles of gravity, forever young. Buggins, you rule the school.

#2 The Kangaroo Kid

Happily, the Kangaroo Kid din't blow a hole in his chest, and lives to jump to this very day. Here he is in action, flying to the moon.

Here he is with his wife.... or daughter.

And again. I'm still not sure if it is his wife or daughter. Either way, he's a lucky guy.

And that's lucky, because luck is what you need when you decide to make a living from jumping motorbikes. Anyway, taking his name from a magical jumping marsupial, the Kangaroo Kid rides a quad. Yes, that's right, the Kangaroo Kid figures two wheels are for pussies. He is best known for such ridiculous four-wheeled stunts as 'jumping the paddlesteamer' and 'jumping a flying plane'. He has been known to sing his favorite song 'I Believe I Can Fly' right before activating his quad systems. Kangaroo Kid, we all believe you can fly.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Stepford Wives II

A castle somewhere in Italy.

CELEBRANT: Mr Tom Cruise, do you accept this woman, this young, fertile woman, as your wife, in the presence of the infinite here today, in the holy sanctity of our church, the Church of Scientology?

TOM: (punches air) I DO! ALRIGHT!

CELEBRANT: Ms Katie Holmes, do you accept this… this guy Tom Cruise as your lawfully wedded husband?

KATIE: (stares blankly) I do

CELEBRANT: Great. And so, to seal these vows, I will now read to the congregation some words from our spiritual leader and Church's founding father, L Ron Hubbard. The following is taken from his 1958 volume "Have You Lived Before This Life".... Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may...

"This takes place nine galaxy periods ago. I was a male, born of space parents. I seem to have two or three mothers who died or were killed. At the age of five I was already on the look-out for brothels. At nine years of age I asked my father if I could join the space academy. However; this does not occur until I am 14. I am 15 when I go with other boys and girls for three months to learn all about sex and homosexuality. When I am 16 I kill my father while fighting on the planet and I join a space-ship. It seems I have a journey here and rejoin the ship when I am 19. Then I learn all about space ship drill, take-offs, etc. There is homosexuality, as only officers are allowed women. I did not care for homosexuality and soon gained the title of captain and so was able to have a wife of my own. She had a baby and a few days later I found the wife enjoying pleasures with another officer. I put her and the officer up for trial and they were condemned and burned (zapped with special ray equipment). I killed the baby because I thought it was not my child. I wanted to go back home so I went to see the captain who was in charge of all the space-craft men and who knew where the ship was going. I asked for the space-ship to be turned around and he said "No." I went mad and killed the captain with my hands and broke up his body. Next I went into the main hall and pressed a button to ring the bell for assembly. I asked for votes for turning back the space-ship for home. Sixty-five per cent. said "Yes." As I was talking to the crew members I felt a gun at the back of my body and I was led off by officers along the corridor. I was screaming and struggling as I did not want to go to the Zap machine (a ray gun to destroy bodies). However, I arrived and my body was held against the wall by clamps, hands were outstretched against the wall. This wall was made of special ray detecting material about a yard to two yards thick. I felt the warmth of the ray until it grew so bad that I left the body. As soon as the head had been burned off, the clamps were automatically opened and the body fell in a trench in the floor, arms outstretched. A large trap door made of metal was slammed on my arms cutting them off. The arms were swept into the trench and the trap door was lifted up again. As it slammed tight again, my body fell into a space container and was thrown outside by tremendous pressure. A space coffin had its own power to fall away from the ship."

[L. Ron Hubbard (ed.), Have You Lived Before This Life?, 1958]

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Primitive Souls

Some party somewhere, Phnom Penh, May 2005.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Latest Model

It's true. With Phuong Tien Convenience Raincoat, your dreams really do come true. Like these guys. Before becoming the faces of Convenience Raincoat, they could only dream of the day when they would make it as top fashion models. They would mope around the call centre, practicing blue steel and snorting talc to keep the dream alive. It's funny how a trip to Vietnam can change your life. And I don't mean in a Gary Glitter kind of way. Just look at these kids now! When they're not enjoying a tossed salad in the comfort of their matching Louis Vuitton-outfitted learjets*, they can be found at Kate's place, doing charlie and swapping Jude Law stories, or dating members of Jet.

* they never fly together in case something goes wrong

Friday, November 10, 2006

Water Festival, God etc.

Water Festival!

(Guy in Hun Sen shirt and) Water Festival!

Water Festival!

(House that looks like a computer, and) Water Festival!

Ah, Phnom Penh's Annual Water Festival 2006. 3 million Cambodians walking back and forth for three days in the blazing sun, eating boiled duck eggs and soy-marinated beetles, struggling to catch a glimpse of a couple of tarted-up canoes paddling down a muddy river. Good times.

But for fuck’s sake… Can someone explain why God found it necessary to dump about 10 million printed calendars on the riverside? The calendars featured a tasteful motif of ever-popular ancient magician ‘Jesus Christ’ attempting to escape from the ‘cross of death’, back in 0034. God, with all due respect, are you a fucking idiot? Cambodian people are Buddhist. And now your magical kingdom looks like a fucking rubbish dump. And 3 million pairs of grubby Buddhist feet have trampled and stained the image of your champion forward Jesus H Christ. God, just last week I was thinking of taking the lord Jesus Christ into my heart as my own personal saviour, but now I’m thinking your movement is not in touch with my needs. I'll be voting Buddha next election. Sometimes, God, it’s as if you’re just not thinking...

Friday, November 03, 2006



I want to be the consultant who comes in to help them write their mission statement.

"OK, firstly, is everyone miserable? No? Should you really be here then? Door's that way. Thanks."

THUD (somebody's arm falls off)

"Someone give that guy a hand, please. Thanks. Oh, and lighten up. You're on a staff retreat! We're here to write the mission statement! It'll be fun! OK, now where were we?"

THUD (other arm falls off)

SILENCE (Centipede crawls out of somebody's eye socket)